Ode to Mothers of Girls
May we survive with our sanity intact.
My fellow moms of tweens and young teenage girls, you've probably realized that these years come with their own set of challenges and victories, especially when it comes to nurturing our daughters’ confidence.
Let's take a moment to appreciate the fact that we've survived the transition from elementary school to middle school – a journey that is the plot of countless YA books and, if you’re like me, countless tears (both hers and mine). As our daughters spread their wings and embark on this new chapter, we do all we can to ensure they do it confidently and self-assuredly. Some days, it feels like a win; others, you’re unsure how you got here (or how you’ll keep going).
With its hormonal twists and turns, middle school has proven to be a new parenting challenge. One day, my daughter is pouring out her heart, and the next, I'm lucky if I get one word. Emotions shift from joy to despair and back again faster than I can type this sentence. I think that’s how the term emotional rollercoaster was coined. Describing a teen girl.
Balancing involvement without being overbearing and being supportive without hovering is a constant work in progress. It's a delicate dance between being her mom and allowing her to become her own person. It’s not always graceful, but I do lean more toward independence than hover. I always have.
My own teen, for instance, has shown an incredible aptitude and focus for horses and horse riding. This began the moment she met her first horse and has only grown stronger since then. She balances her time maneuvering through riding her beloved pony and the daily responsibilities of school and life. So far, it’s going well, and she impresses me daily with her ability to take care of it all. Then I find a pile of dirty dishes and a mound of empty berry containers in her bedroom amongst a sea of mostly dirty clothes thrown about the floor (mostly because there are plenty of discarded clean clothes, too).
As a mom who was once a teenage girl, independence and self-confidence are something I hold sacred. It’s been one of my main focuses as a parent.
Research has shown that girls actively form their identities during the tween/early teen years. Encouraging them to explore their interests and passions, like my daughter's love of horses, helps them define who they are and what they stand for.
Girls also become more attuned to social comparisons around this age. By nurturing their self-confidence, we help them focus on their unique strengths and talents rather than getting caught up in unhealthy competition or comparison.
By allowing our daughters to make decisions and learn from their experiences, we're helping them develop vital emotional regulation skills that will serve them well throughout their lives.
As peer relationships become increasingly important, helping our girls build confidence empowers them to make positive choices in friendships and social interactions, leading to healthier relationships. While today’s friendships might be filled with joy and despair, she’s learning what feels right and doesn’t fit for building future relationships.
Teens are also wired to take risks as they learn about themselves and the world. Encouraging calculated risks, like pursuing passions and facing challenges head-on, helps them develop resilience and adaptability. As a passion, horses have their inherent risk, but so does navigating friendships, trying new interests, going out on their own, or even contributing in class or styling their hair differently.
As girls start to test the waters of independence, it's essential to let them make decisions – and mistakes – while still providing a safety net. Learning from failures is a key ingredient in building that unshakable confidence. Speaking of resilience, I often share my own stories of accomplishments and failures I’ve overcome, letting her know that even the ones she loves and looks to for support have had similar challenges throughout life.
So, how do we foster confidence in our daughters? It's all about being that steadfast anchor amidst the changing tides. For my daughter, we talk about her latest horseback achievements, and I listen to the real stresses of her everyday life. I encourage open communication by creating an environment where she feels comfortable sharing her adventures, heartbreaks, and everything in between. That doesn’t mean I get to hear it all. We’ve also built a wonderfully supportive group of family and friends, and she has a few adults at school she knows she can trust. I am happy to know she shares different things with different people, but I also know she has a secret world all to herself.
To my fellow parents navigating the middle school adventure, you're not alone! Sometimes, we all need a reminder that we're in this together, stumbling through the maze and doing our best. So, here's to the chaos, the challenges, and the absolute joy of raising a girl and middle schooler.
Cheers to the journey!
For the tutus, ningnings, and nightly doops, I am forever grateful. And I miss that fedora!
